Today I met my friend Nick at Cazuela’s (Mexican Grill) to eat. I had only woken up an hour previously, so this was going to be my breakfast. We sat down in the booth and looked over the menus (which had become real-looking menus from the time I had been there before). The first thing he pointed out was the Mucho Macho Burrito. A 12” burrito made with your choice of chicken or beef for $9.75. But this was no ordinary burrito. There was a challenge attached. This thing was filled and covered with Habaneros (some really freaking hot chilies) and if you could eat all of it within 30 minutes, without leaving the table to go to the bathroom, you got the meal for free.
Even though I am not a big fan of food, I am not afraid to admit that I can put it away when the time is right. This challenge seemed right up my alley since I hadn’t eaten anything yet that day and I am a fan of spicy foods. I went ahead and ordered the Mucho Macho Burrito. Soon enough the behemoth was delivered, and I took a picture of it.
As you can see, it’s a weird orange/yellow/brownish color. Appetizing, right? It may be from the chilies it’s concocted from. I started to eat the burrito from the right hand side (yours and my right!). The first bite wasn’t bad. It was hot but not terribly so. Oh! how little did I know of the pain to come. The second bite kicked me in the tongue. This thing was not just hot; it was fiery! My eyes immediately watered until tears ran from them.
I ate half the burrito in 5 minutes. At that point, I decided to pace myself a bit. I had 25 more minutes, so there was no rush. The waitress had kindly delivered an entire pitcher of water to the table, to help me cope with the fire. I drank 2-3 glasses of water to douse the flames licking my mouth… to little avail. The burrito didn’t even taste good, just really hot. After some time, I set back to it. Eating small bites so I could take a sip of water shortly thereafter. Around this time I asked the waitress for a glass of milk, because I’ve heard milk has something in it to counteract the whatever in chilies. I just don’t feel like looking it up. The milk was delivered but provided little respite. Curses!
The last 3 bites were the hardest. My stomach felt a little weird and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to keep the burrito down. After taking a bit more time, I was able to eat the last pieces of the burrito. I set the plate aside in victory.
The waitress soon saw the cleared plate and took it away. She then came back with a pen and paper. There was a little process to go through, it seems! I wrote down my name and phone number for them to tell me when I can pick up a shirt. I then had a picture taken for them to put on a wall of people who have eaten the burrito. Finally, I wrote my name in large black letters on a sign near the front door. So if you ever go there, look for my picture and name; I’m pretty much famous, not to mention how Mucho Macho a man I am!
Nick paid his check and we took a little more time. My stomach wasn’t very happy with me, but my mouth was cooling down. We finally set out though. As soon as I made it out of the doors, I puked on the street. Interestingly, it was mainly the water I drank. My stomach was not very happy. We walked a little further down Northwood Ave and I puked again. And again. In the end, I puked something like 5 or 6 times - all in broad daylight, right on the street. Very little of the burrito came back up. It was mostly the tons of water I drank to help cool my mouth, which was good because I can’t imagine what the burn of the burrito would be coming back up.
Whew! I felt a lot better after puking. Took it slow getting home, because my stomach was still a bit funny. Got back in my apartment, shaved (since I didn’t have time to before I left to meet Nick), and then laid down on my bed. Ended up watching a few episodes of 30 Rock. Lying down was really the only way to keep my stomach from feeling really weird. After watching two episodes I fell asleep. I mean, I had done a lot in the 4 hours I was up. >_>
I slept for a good 4-5 hours and here I am writing this blog post about the day. The only other thing I have eaten day has been Lifesaver mints. Update: I have eaten a few crackers which went down nicely. Not sure if my stomach will tolerate anything else. But the good thing is I haven’t vomited any more! I hope you have enjoyed this account of the defeat of the Mucho Macho Burrito and my subsequent public vomiting. I have conquered the beast and will never have to face him again.
Listen to these Readings
Kyle Tolle reading ‘Mucho Macho Burrito’